My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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