Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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