Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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