3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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