Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
