Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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