My first STD was from a foam party
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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