Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
