I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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