Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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