Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
P.S. I can't hear my feet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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