What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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