Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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