I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
50% drunk capacity currently
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
