Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
