It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
