No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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