I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
