Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
