I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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