I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
