so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
