Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
