I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
