cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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