Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
