I should be sponsored by Trojan
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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