Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
