he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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