my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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