meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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