She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize