Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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