69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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