Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
