I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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