I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
