I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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