We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize