It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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