you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she smelled like a LAN party
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
