I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
