i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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