ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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