Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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