life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
