It's like God shit irony all over that family
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
