I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
