Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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