Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
