if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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