Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
