I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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