is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
