can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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