My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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