Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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